An Ongoing Search: To Be Content

As I’ve come to realize, I think that most things in life are best when you have found a balance. Extremes rarely seem to produce a satisfying outcome, at least in the long term. I think for the most part, many people would likely agree with this. However, our ideas of “extreme” and “balanced” can be highly relative to our own personal biases, experiences, social norms, etc.

I bring this up because I personally find it extremely difficult to feel “content”, or “satisfied” and “at peace” with myself the majority of the time. I think part of this might just simply be a personal issue (as I think I am just generally a restless human being), but another part of me wants to put blame on our social, economic, and political structures/systems as well.

Over the past few years, especially since I have started taking my sociology classes and doing more reading that gave me the vocabulary, terms, and theories to put my feelings into words; I have been reflecting a bit more on our consumerist tendencies and the effects it has on our ability to feel satisfied with our current place in life.

A Brief Backstory:

When I was 18, and about to graduate high-school, I decided I didn’t want to fall into the same trap as everyone else and work my life away in a 9 to 5 job, feeding into the system that drained your soul and kept you tied down to the systems and structures society expected of you. So as soon as I graduated, I bought a one way ticket to Beijing with three nights booked at a hostel, and spent the next three months backpacking all over Mainland China, Hong Kong, Macau, and near Tibet (but failed to get in). ¹ While I traveled, I lived extremely frugal, trying to spend as little as possible on food, lodging, and etc. While I spent some money on train tickets and hostels, I tried my best to get around by hitchhiking and walking, as well as save costs on lodging by sleeping in my bivy sac on the side of roads and such. At the time I decided I would live the rest of my life traveling the world living minimally, making money by either working odd jobs here and there, or going back to the U.S. to work for a few months at a time and saving up. Spoiler: I didn’t end up doing that, and I did end up (kind of) settling down.

When I was traveling those three months, I was young, naive, and careless - and I definitely had a lot to learn. I remember while I was on that adventure, I was almost always exhausted and getting into various predicaments. Yet, I look back at this time in my life as when I felt the most at peace and fulfilled.

I understand that for me, this was a time when I was first experiencing the world outside of my own bubble, and seeing new cultures and ways of doing thing, etc. Even though I was “roughing it”, it was essentially a vacation - even if I didn’t see it that way at the time. The people I was around and the friends I met often had no choice but to live in these conditions due to their social and economic status, while I was there by choice, and had the option to leave at any time. My fond memories of this time are a mixture of many things; to include the people I met, the adventures I experienced, the broadening of my understanding, etc. But I do believe that a large part of my joy during that time was simply because of lifestyle it entailed: enjoying the moment for what it was, rather than the complex social games we must play to stay afloat in a modern world.

Maybe what I am trying to get at, in a roundabout way, is that I had a balance (if not in a bit of an extreme way) that worked for me at the time, and gave me a sense of peace. I had the economic freedom to afford to live more luxuriously if/when I wanted (I wasn’t trapped and restricted by my social or economical means), but I had a simple yet active lifestyle that allowed me to feel disconnected from much of the negative aspects that society throws at us. I am very much over simplifying this, as there are so many factors that I could dive into (such as the fact that was often walking all day long, and thus my brain was probably getting a high amount of serotonin and dopamine; that I made lots of social connections from incredibly hospitable locals; and the fact that despite the social activity I had, I was probably living in my own imagined bubble since I only spoke a few words of Mandarin Chinese). But in the spirit of trying to stay on topic, I am trying not too stray too far down any of these rabbit holes.

Anyways, to continue the story: I remember when I returned back home to my parents house I felt extremely restless again. And not only did I feel restless, but I remember feeling extremely dissatisfied, and actually a bit upset with how materialistic our society was. I remember thinking that people seemed to be worried, upset, and impressed with all the wrong things. While some of these thoughts were partly because I was young and still a bit naive, I think some of the underlying feelings were based upon something real - something deeply wrong with our society: our constant desire to attain more, to grow, and to progress - and while progress may sound like a positive thing…to me it feels like a double edged sword at times.

Back on track:

Now, I try to live minimally - to an extent - but nowhere near the extreme that I had lived at while I was backpacking, of course. But it seems that even when you consciously are trying to prevent the accumulation of unneeded items, it seems that the society we live in constantly raises the bar of what is a “necessity”.

Of course, we all have our own lives to live, and what is truly a necessity to one person is not necessarily a necessity to another (eg: due to medical reasons, geography, etc).

Modern day marketing, social stigmas, classism, etc all contribute to this feeling that we “need” something when truly we do not. Often these things compound upon each other: marketing will convince a portion of the population to purchase an item, then when you are the odd person out within the society that doesn’t have this item you fall behind due to either a lack of productivity, status, or stigma. The complexities I am sure could be (and likely have been) written out in an entire academic essay.

Hurry up and wait

I am extremely guilty of feeling like I need to hurry, or finish something quickly to move on to the next thing - even if there is no “next thing”. While I think consumerism does tie into this a bit, I think I would better describe it in simple terms as a feeling to “keep progressing”. I think most people would probably agree that constant improvement and progression is a good thing, and that we should always strive to get better.

Part of me wants to say “of course”, but the other part of me wonders if I think that simply because that is what our society has ingrained in us to think of as a ‘positive trait’. If you are not looking for improvement, you are “lazy” or “stagnant”, and “wasting potential”.

But coming back to extremes vs balance, I think that we have drilled into our minds that we always need to be looking for ways to progress and improve, when in reality we would probably be more happy, content, and fulfilled if we simply slowed down and didn’t put so much pressure on ourselves and others to keep progressing.

I remember seeing this saying repeated online multiple times, I think on Lemmy comments or something; it went something along the lines of “Constant growth for the sake of growth is cancer.” I am sure I am butchering the quote, and it probably originates from some well regarded person - but regardless, I was reminded of it while writing this. I don’t know what the original quote was referencing, but I think our society has very much started to go down this cancerous path.

We don’t need perfection, we don’t need to be rich, we don’t need to be the “best”, we don’t need the newest version of x, y, or z. Yes…sometimes its nice to chase progress and improvement - but I don’t think it needs to be the default setting, especially when it isn’t a necessity or bringing us joy.

Still figuring it out

I have been chasing the feeling of peace and content most of my life (ironic, I know), and every time I think I found a step in the right direction, I often stumble over something new. I don’t know if we can ever truly feel content in our lives - at least not for long. Maybe that is just human nature. Maybe that is just my nature. Is the irony of endlessly chasing peace simply a snake eating its head? Is the key to peace to simply stop searching for it? Part of me thinks so, but part of me also thinks that it takes a conscious effort to strive for peace, otherwise we fall prey to the whims and manipulations that appear around every corner. I am sure there is a balance in there somewhere, I have just yet to find it.

With that said, recently I have started walking and running a lot more than I normally have - and I must say that I feel a whole lot more . . . “stable?”, when I am running. I am sure it is likely just the chemical release you get from exercise - but for some reason I am on a short little stint of trying to utilize running and exercise to find some peace in my life. Which is funny, because I’ve never been a huge runner per say, but I grew up running quite a bit, bicycled on and off a bit over the years, and have been somewhat active over many of the years…but for some reason it is just now ‘clicking’ for me how much exercise is tied to my mental state. ²

You always hear and read about how good exercise is for you, both mentally and physically - and I know this to be true, but now that I have more time on my hands and have gotten over that initial barrier of “pushing through the suck”, I actually feel really clear headed when I get to go out and run. We’ll see how long it lasts for though hahaha. (Also, I have gone a bit overboard with all the running that I think I gave myself shinsplints along with some aggravating knee pain /:)

As the way most of my posts will likely be, I’m sure it was a bit rambling at times, but hopefully it was coherent enough to make some sense of. (Future me: I did come back and edit a few small grammar mistakes and such, so hopefully that helps)

– Anthony

PS: You don’t know how hard it is to not absolutely get sidetracked on a rant and end up 3 paragraphs later on a completely different subject. ROFL. Don’t know what I would do without parenthesis and citations/references XD.